THE LIZ JONES DIARY: In which David drops a bombshell

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THE LIZ JONES DIARY: In which David drops a bombshell

I didn’t call the hotel about the Rock Star’s lost jacket. I’m tired of men giving me things to do. At parties, they always ask me if I can put their things in my purse. Nope! I’m sick of them saying, ‘Can you remind me to…’ And, ‘Didn’t they have white pepper?’ Instead I told him I had no idea if he left his miserable jacket in the bar and why not give them a call, not me, as I am super busy and important.

‘OK OK. I was a little taken aback, to be honest, by the whole night.

‘What?’

“Well, you were very evasive in bed. You didn’t even answer about my road trip idea.

Liz Jones Shares How She Emailed Her Ex Saying It Was Their Last Chance To Get Back Together

Ah. The fact is that in our magnificent hotel bed, in addition to the square pillows, there were three collies on it, with the fourth, Teddy, on the floor next to it. Gracie, as usual, was on the pillow next to me, so he had to sleep with his head on the other side, a foot on either side of his sizeable bulk. No wonder the next morning he walked like a cowboy. “I feel like I just did yoga,” he said over bircher muesli.

The thing is, I take my hearing aids out at night, and since his head was so far away, I hadn’t heard a word he said. He should have WhatsApp me. That’s the problem with being deaf: people think you’re rude or uninterested. When it’s not at all.

Anyway, what I didn’t tell you was that, just before leaving for the mini break in the Howardian Hills of Yorkshire, I emailed David. I promise I wasn’t even drunk. This was after a long, drawn out text argument (he told me he had bought a new chair which means he probably now watches more quiz and F1 shows than before which hardly seems possible), with him ending the thread by telling me that I’m ‘a very sexy but garish woman’.

I answered with a single word: “Useless”.

“You have to take care of your health,” I told him. ‘Come stay with me’

Anyway, before packing a thong in the Louis Vuitton, I sent this to David: “So. Last chance before sleeping with someone else on Monday. Do you want to get back together or not?’

JONES MOANS… WHAT LIZ HATES THIS WEEK

  • Estate agents who write: “Is on a quiet, leafy street”. I lived there. He had the highest crime in Europe.
  • Waiters who insist on reading the specials, even though I said I’m deaf and vegan. The fish may have been caught with a line, but it is still dead.
  • Uber drivers who get more text messages and phone calls than me.
  • My Lidl sparkling water that tells me: ‘Your bottle makes the difference.’ No it is not!

Of course, him being him, he answered only too late. This boat has sailed: I already have cystitis. And when he finally responded, he sent what is probably the saddest email I’ve ever received, other than Nic telling me my horse Lizzie was put to sleep while I was in Canada, in working. Remember it comes from the man who, at 31, was so handsome that women fell at his feet. That I’ve been coveting since I was 21.

“My darling Liz, my head and my heart are screaming yes. But my body says no. You deserve better. I have spent the past two years going through a steep physical decline. I’m afraid I’m too far down this rabbit hole now. Don’t feel bad. I agree with that. You know I love you. I just want you to be happy and fulfilled. I hope he treats you well this time and realizes what a mistake it was to lose you. All my love, D.’

Oh my God.

I type frantically: “I don’t understand why you don’t take care of your health. This is the main reason why we have not worked. Well, me and my column. You wouldn’t quit smoking, you would exercise. And if you came to spend the summer? Vegan food, fresh air? Dog walks with no inclines, I promise. I am a much better cook since confinement. I just made a Lebanese stew with candied lemon and maftoul.

Him: ‘I guess if I could answer why I didn’t take care of myself [and his flat], I wouldn’t be where I am now. It’s kind of a self-destruct mentality. I accepted my fate. Thanks for the opportunity, though. You are really better off with him.

What is the title of this new movie? The worst person in the world. That’s it. It’s this one. It’s officially me

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