Selection of February 2 entries from Punxsutawney Phil’s diary over the years

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February 2, 1887

Dear Diary,

There’s no way to relax in what I’m about to tell. This morning a man in a top hat came to my house, moved me to a different, much smaller house, and watched me. When I finally emerged, at noon, needing food, he went crazy, screaming and clapping. I suppose this was all the result of the lingering stress of the three-year economic depression we recently emerged from, but still, the events of the day had real consequences for me. For example, unfortunately I now live here.

Yours,

Philip


February 2, 1888

Dear Diary,

Well, it seems it wasn’t the stress of the three-year economic depression. The gentleman returned, this time with compatriots. When I left my year-old home (the bathroom is now almost complete), they stood there menacingly, as if they had been waiting for me to arrive for weeks. I thought they might try to eat me. But, again, they just looked at my body and rejoiced. Just in case they want to eat me and this is my last entry, please whoever’s reading this please skip the parts about what I did in the spring of 1887. I was getting to know a new neighborhood, I was angry and scared.

With gratitude and humility,

Philip


February 2, 1900

Dear Diary,

I decided not only to accept my fate but to welcome it. I am a public figure (once a year). My shadow announces the weather. In addition, my fame has aroused the curiosity of a not inconsiderable number of potential mating candidates, including a Mary-Anne from Gobbler’s Knob. She has quite the pair (of teeth).

Truly,

Philip


February 2, 1911

Dear Diary,

Please congratulate me. Today, I am the father of four little kittens. I don’t know what I did to deserve these riches, other than visiting every burrow within a hundred foot radius during mating season. Being a father makes me think about the future more than ever. Sometimes Mary-Anne worries about the world that awaits our children when they grow up, but I say, “Believe me, clairvoyant groundhog, the future is bright!”

Dad Philip


February 2, 1923

Dear Diary,

Have you read “The Wasteland” by TS Eliot? I hated it from the first line. It was in April that I met Mary-Anne, and also, by coincidence, Cara, Laurie, Margaret and Faye. April is the best!

Philip


February 2, 1930

Dear Diary,

Exciting news! Our state has a new ice hockey team! For now they call themselves the Philadelphia Quakers, an apt name, as I’m sure the people of Philadelphia will be known in this league as seekers of peace and harmony.

With enthusiasm,

Philip


February 2, 1946

Dear Diary,

The war has been over for more than five months, and this morning my crowd applauded me more warmly than ever. Also, last month, Dolly Parton was born!

Fortunately,

Philip


February 2, 1963

Dear Diary,

Just read “Silent Spring”. Too depressed to sum it up here. It also makes me see humans in a different light. When I looked at the crowd today, I didn’t see friends but enemies. I wonder if the bad alfalfa that kicked me out for two days earlier this week was soaked in pesticides. I shared my predictions with people, but with a sense of existential nausea (and also literal nausea from alfalfa).

Philip


February 2, 1964

Dear Diary,

The Beatles are coming here! Well, not here, Gobbler’s-Knob-here, but here in America! Here is my attempt at a Beatles song about groundhogs:

It’s only February 2 now,
And I sleep like a log.
It’s only February 2 now,
Spring is coming, read the fog.
I am the groundhog!
Sleep in the ground.
Marmot !
Awaiting rebirth.
A kind of winter is measured in the shade,
All you need is spring.
Here is the sun, all is well!
Good night.

All my Love,

Philip


February 2, 1972

Dear Diary,

What if I saw my shadow, but it wasn’t there? Sorry, I’m really fucked up.

I love you,

Philip


February 2, 1986

Dear Diary,

Guess what Voyager 2 just took a picture of? Uranus. (Humor is, for me, a necessary antidote to the many ills of society.)

Better,

Philip


February 2, 1993

Dear Diary,

They made a movie about me!!! It comes out in a little over a week. It tells the story of a man who has to rehearse on February 2 until he fully appreciates the wonder of the groundhog.

Yours,

Philip


February 2, 1997

Dear Diary,

New research has emerged implying that I am not the one controlling the climate and our ever warmer seasons. Fortunately, no one in America seems to believe the data.

Stay tuned,

Philip


February 2, 2015

Dear Diary,

I only noticed it was winter because they ripped me off for my jubilee. If winter never starts, can it end? This gig is starting to feel somewhat ominous.

Ruminatively,

Philip


February 2, 2019

Dear Diary,

You won’t believe it, but they haven’t done nearly anything yet on climate change.

Darkly,

Philip


February 2, 2021

Dear Diary,

Today I emerged to find that my audience was missing. Only the men accompanying me on stage were there, as well as a cameraman. This can only mean one thing: I am finally an internet sensation.

XOXO,

Philip


February 2, 2022

Dear Diary,

I am happy to say that everything is fixed! Humans have eliminated greenhouse gas emissions, convinced businesses to operate more sustainably, and solved the problem where less than ten percent of plastics are recycled. Not a moment too soon!

With great relief,

Philip

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