February 2, 1887
Dear Diary,
There’s no way to relax in what I’m about to tell. This morning a man in a top hat came to my house, moved me to a different, much smaller house, and watched me. When I finally emerged, at noon, needing food, he went crazy, screaming and clapping. I suppose this was all the result of the lingering stress of the three-year economic depression we recently emerged from, but still, the events of the day had real consequences for me. For example, unfortunately I now live here.
Yours,
Philip
February 2, 1888
Dear Diary,
Well, it seems it wasn’t the stress of the three-year economic depression. The gentleman returned, this time with compatriots. When I left my year-old home (the bathroom is now almost complete), they stood there menacingly, as if they had been waiting for me to arrive for weeks. I thought they might try to eat me. But, again, they just looked at my body and rejoiced. Just in case they want to eat me and this is my last entry, please whoever’s reading this please skip the parts about what I did in the spring of 1887. I was getting to know a new neighborhood, I was angry and scared.
With gratitude and humility,
Philip
February 2, 1900
Dear Diary,
I decided not only to accept my fate but to welcome it. I am a public figure (once a year). My shadow announces the weather. In addition, my fame has aroused the curiosity of a not inconsiderable number of potential mating candidates, including a Mary-Anne from Gobbler’s Knob. She has quite the pair (of teeth).
Truly,
Philip
February 2, 1911
Dear Diary,
Please congratulate me. Today, I am the father of four little kittens. I don’t know what I did to deserve these riches, other than visiting every burrow within a hundred foot radius during mating season. Being a father makes me think about the future more than ever. Sometimes Mary-Anne worries about the world that awaits our children when they grow up, but I say, “Believe me, clairvoyant groundhog, the future is bright!”
Dad Philip
February 2, 1923
Dear Diary,
Have you read “The Wasteland” by TS Eliot? I hated it from the first line. It was in April that I met Mary-Anne, and also, by coincidence, Cara, Laurie, Margaret and Faye. April is the best!
Philip
February 2, 1930
Dear Diary,
Exciting news! Our state has a new ice hockey team! For now they call themselves the Philadelphia Quakers, an apt name, as I’m sure the people of Philadelphia will be known in this league as seekers of peace and harmony.
With enthusiasm,
Philip
February 2, 1946
Dear Diary,
The war has been over for more than five months, and this morning my crowd applauded me more warmly than ever. Also, last month, Dolly Parton was born!
Fortunately,
Philip
February 2, 1963
Dear Diary,
Just read “Silent Spring”. Too depressed to sum it up here. It also makes me see humans in a different light. When I looked at the crowd today, I didn’t see friends but enemies. I wonder if the bad alfalfa that kicked me out for two days earlier this week was soaked in pesticides. I shared my predictions with people, but with a sense of existential nausea (and also literal nausea from alfalfa).
Philip
February 2, 1964
Dear Diary,
The Beatles are coming here! Well, not here, Gobbler’s-Knob-here, but here in America! Here is my attempt at a Beatles song about groundhogs:
All my Love,
Philip
February 2, 1972
Dear Diary,
What if I saw my shadow, but it wasn’t there? Sorry, I’m really fucked up.
I love you,
Philip
February 2, 1986
Dear Diary,
Guess what Voyager 2 just took a picture of? Uranus. (Humor is, for me, a necessary antidote to the many ills of society.)
Better,
Philip
February 2, 1993
Dear Diary,
They made a movie about me!!! It comes out in a little over a week. It tells the story of a man who has to rehearse on February 2 until he fully appreciates the wonder of the groundhog.
Yours,
Philip
February 2, 1997
Dear Diary,
New research has emerged implying that I am not the one controlling the climate and our ever warmer seasons. Fortunately, no one in America seems to believe the data.
Stay tuned,
Philip
February 2, 2015
Dear Diary,
I only noticed it was winter because they ripped me off for my jubilee. If winter never starts, can it end? This gig is starting to feel somewhat ominous.
Ruminatively,
Philip
February 2, 2019
Dear Diary,
You won’t believe it, but they haven’t done nearly anything yet on climate change.
Darkly,
Philip
February 2, 2021
Dear Diary,
Today I emerged to find that my audience was missing. Only the men accompanying me on stage were there, as well as a cameraman. This can only mean one thing: I am finally an internet sensation.
XOXO,
Philip
February 2, 2022
Dear Diary,
I am happy to say that everything is fixed! Humans have eliminated greenhouse gas emissions, convinced businesses to operate more sustainably, and solved the problem where less than ten percent of plastics are recycled. Not a moment too soon!
With great relief,
Philip
