Jesus Tomb Diary – McSweeney Internet Trending


Day 1

Happy Friday, you ask? Not great. Died today. Very painful. Do not recommend. I saw dad briefly and talked about it first. “Almighty and You couldn’t have done it, I don’t know, suffocated by puppies?” No, he had to be nailed to a cross.

“Trust me,” he said, “the merchandising.

Then He told me He was sending me away.

“So we really do this?” I asked.

“We’re going to make them lose their minds.”

But wait: He first said that I had to hide for three days so that people would believe that I was really dead. I was nailed to a tree and left to agonize in the sun for hours; I think they will understand.

“So I come back,” I said, “and then I get on with my life? Because dying is really thought provoking, you know? And I seriously neglected my carpentry.

“No, you’re only alive again for a few weeks.”


“But then you come back in about two thousand years. Perhaps.”

I just don’t understand Him.

Anyway, I woke up here in this grave. Absolute black. Fortunately, I have this celestial aura now, much like mom, so I can see a little. I found a blank parchment and a pot of ink. At least I hope it’s ink. The glow is only medium and I’m afraid to look too closely.

I’m not going to lie, it’s nice to have some alone time. Disciples, Disciples, Disciples. Always with questions. “Is it me, Lord? “When will these things be?” “Is this really the last supper? Because it’s Simon’s turn to be the next host and he’s making a mean hummus, although I doubt that’s an original recipe…” Friggin’ Thomas…

Could take advantage of the peace and quiet to work on new dishes. Parable of the pitless olive. Parable of the Fasting and the Furious. I wonder if anyone would be interested in these in book form?

Hmmm, now I want hummus…

Disconnect for today. The fingers are starting to cramp, with the hole in my hand and everything. Thanks again, DAD!

Day 2

So BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! If only there was a corpse in this grave, I could rise from the dead. At least we could play Sin or No Sin or something like that.

That wound on my side doesn’t look good at all!

And surely dad could have thought ahead to provide snacks. Omniscient? My Saint Fanny!

Go nowhere with satellite dishes. The Parable of the Frightening Tomb. The parable of what lies around? The parable of the authoritarian dad who keeps me in the dark (literally and figuratively). The parable of the so-called friend who denies knowing you three times, Rock!

I always think of hummus. I tell myself to stop thinking about hummus, but all I can think about is that I’m not thinking about hummus. Considered performing the ink-in-the-hummus miracle, but still don’t know what I’m writing with. It has some kind of smell… Again, it could be my injury.

Difficult to concentrate. The mind begins to wander.

The boys know the whole body/blood was a metaphor, right? That must have sounded crazy! I should clear that up when I get out of here.

There was a pretty good turnout for my crucifixion, though, I have to admit.

Ugh, how much longer!

Maybe if I sing songs. A few hymns. It’s a funny word. Anthem. Anthem. Anthem…

“I’m just fine with myself!” I’m fine, oh yeah! I’m just fine with myself! I’m fine !… “

Day 3

I rolled the stone this morning. I mean, it’s day three, right? Technically, I’ve only been stuck here for two full days – Saturday is a full day and today is two days – but if you count Friday as day one, Saturday is day two, that’s day three. Three days. I did three days. Or maybe two. I don’t care, I can’t take it anymore.

I came out. I was expecting a crowd, but only found two bright guys in white standing there. “Are you daddy’s guys?” ” I asked. They nodded. He couldn’t even bother to show himself. Typical.

“Listen, if someone comes for me, tell them I went to take a bath. Maybe an anointing.

Then I got lost. Pretty forgettable morning, really.

I don’t want hummus anymore. Suddenly craving for chocolate.


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